Some things are hard to let go of (11/17/13)
“So you will meet many ’someones’ who will give a new definition to your name. And you cannot build walls, must not close the door and please don’t hide, because if you ask me about hurt and love I will say love. Love because the hurt will come and go no matter what, but only love makes it worthwhile. Only love can cure it. Don’t be scared. Go. Love.” ― Charlotte Eriksson
This is not the first time that I’ve been here; I’ve been through this before and for the same reasons and the truth is, that this time, it feels different, maybe I’ve grown and I’ve changed the way I react to certain circumstances or the way how I reflect things to the exterior, but the feeling of having a big hole in my heart still lingers there, it does not matter how hard I try to hide it, my heart is not in a good place right now and I don’t think it will be any time soon. It’s been 16 days since I got what I was waiting for. Finally all the questions got an answer, it wasn’t an elaborate one, a mature one or the best one, but beyond the fact that was an answer it also was a statement, something that I will have to live with.
It was Tuesday at 7:40am when I read those Four Words, which meant a lot to me. My world collapsed for 1 minute or 2, I still do not know for how long I was gone, I was physically there, but at the same time my brain was in the outer space, traveling 186,282,4 miles per second, like the speed of light. It took me several minutes to come back to where I was, not in my house or in the park, but my workplace, where your personal life should be kept in private. I didn’t have time to grieve, I had to put on a mask and continue to do what I’m getting paid to do, my job.
Someone told me that the stages of mourning and grief are universal and are experienced by people from all walks of life. It does not matter if you lost someone, if you parents got divorced, if your relationship ended, we all grieve, and according to Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, we do it in five stages. She also said that we might not experience it in the same order, because each human being grieves at their pace. As grieving is a personal process that has no limit, nor one “right” way to do it. These are the five stages: Denial-Anger-Bargaining-Depression-Acceptance.
Right now, I cannot tell you in which stage I am of my grieving, because I seriously do not know, and the reason is: This is not new at all. Eventually I will need to turn the page to a new chapter or even a book. Where things are not going to hurt as before, when I would be able to look back and say I’m a warrior. But I can tell you something; I’ve lived and lost. My losses do not define and won’t define myself; they only define how strong I’ve become. I‘m not afraid of loving again or expressing my feelings, because that’s one of the things that make me who I am. I might not be able to complete forget about that person that gave me too much to remember and too many memories to keep, but we need to come to the realization that some people that are part of our history, but not a part of our destiny.