Love, thoughts, Writings

I'm an Addict

Addiction is the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma.
Things have been a little rough lately. I’m a recovering addict. I’ve been dealing with my addiction for a few years now.
Going back to the beginning, it all started in 2009 by that time I could manage to control it, in 2010 things went out of hand and I knew I was going to depend on my addiction. Years have passed and my condition grows worse everyday.
I’ve relapsed one more time. This is my first setback in a few months and the rush, adrenaline, everything is like before, and it feels so good. I know what my side effects will be, but this process is worth anything that will come (at least that’s what I keep telling myself).
My addiction is everything. The few months I was maintaining abstinence, my feelings were subtle, I paid more attention to my fear of failure than my addiction itself. In those months my addiction judged me, refused to believe it was everything to me, but I needed to think about my health and take control of my life. I was struggling with my addiction and sobriety seemed like an impossible goal. As an addict, I spend my days trying not to think about it, trying to avoid situations that set me off.
On Saturday I hit rock bottom and I couldn’t keep myself calm, I was overdosed and I had to explode after being that high. It was too much to handle. I’m not defending what I did; I’m taking responsibility for my emotional state. I’m an addict, but I don’t consume drugs or have a problem with alcohol, nevertheless I’m addicted to an emotion. My emotional addiction, not only colors my world with its shades, but can also be my crutch and that’s dangerous.

You’re an addiction that I always fail to resist.

That’s the part no one tells you about addiction, they can end badly.

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